Skip to main content

Grief: Oh Hello, It's Me Again

Hey, its me.

It's been awhile since I've been on here.

I was putting Ava to bed tonight, just a few minutes ago, actually. We were laying there in the dark, and she asked to play with my hair. And by "play with my hair", I mean she uses my hair as a slide and all of her stuffed animals take turns going down the slide. It felt nice to have some quiet moments at the end of a busy day; I always love to hear Ava's quiet chatter as she plays with her animal friends. Her speech is emerging more and more every day and I love hearing what is on her mind. We have made a routine of talking about our day and what we are looking forward to tomorrow.

I was looking up at the hair bows hanging on Ava's wall when a giant wave of grief washed over me.

just out of nowhere.

The wave hit me and I almost literally felt like I had been slammed to the ocean floor.

I felt the wave first, and then the thought came to my head second:

my mom is not here to see any of this life that I have now.

When she left us, I was newly engaged and still living at home. I wasn't all wrapped up in this crazy military life yet. No kids. I was still just a kid myself. I mean I was 22, but that is still a very young adult with much life ahead to experience and feel. I was such a different person back then.

My mom faded during her 2 year battle with cancer. It was gradual. There were high highs and low lows, and toward the end, the fading came faster. We were holding on with all our strength. Every once in awhile my mind makes me walk through her final days on earth. I'm typing this with my eyes shut, tears pouring down my face; I can't put the memories into words but i feel them. Oh, how i feel them.

A lot of her final days are still a blur. Not many things stick out in my mind. I do remember a nurse gently telling us that the last thing to go would be her hearing, so even though her eyes are closed and she's not responding, that she can still hear us.

I think that was when it all really sank in for me. Like, oh...she means she's not going to come out of this. Like, this is the end.

And we just sat. And waited. Prayed for a miracle but we knew it was up to God.

The final days are torturous. And sometimes you don't know they are the final days. You don't know when the final hour will be.

I wish my mom was there for my wedding.

I never dreamed I wouldn't get to place her grand babies in her arms.

That I wouldn't get to call her for mothering advice.

Or talk about what I was like as a small child.

I often sit and wonder what my mom would have to say about this life I'm living now. If she'd want to help me decorate all of these houses we live in or tell me how to plant a garden.

In some ways I feel proud of how I've been able to thrive without her by my side, and in other ways, I wonder how much more fulfilled I'd feel if she were here.

I always wonder: what would we talk about??

The mind of a 22 year old is very different from a 32 year old.

It's hard for me to imagine.

I don't get these waves of grief very often. But this time, I thought I would race to the laptop and write them down while I was still feeling them. It's like therapy, I guess.

And I'm sharing because sadly I know more and more people who have lost a parent in the young adult stage of life. And I know that sharing stories and feelings brings a sort of comfort and strength to those who have been there too.

Thank you for reading.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

DIY Produce Rack

I have seen some cool ideas on Pinterest for ways to store fresh fruits and veggies using fun buckets or storage bins that are anchored to the wall. I think that would be a fun way to store food in a kitchen where counter space is limited.
Just like my kitchen.
I was in Ross the other day - a store very similar to TJMaxx - when I had a light bulb moment when I laid my eyes on this:


A simple hanging shower caddy.
I immediately thought of all those pins of wall produce storage ideas, so I snatched the shower caddy for a mere $6.99!

And this is what I made!


So here is what you'll need:
My kitchen is also short on wall space, so I was assuming I'd either have to hang it someplace weird, or hang it on the end of my cabinets.
So I picked up a few of these command hooks:
One pretty one for the top, and two smaller ones for extra support at the bottom, and also to keep it from swinging. Be sure to pay attention to how many pounds the hooks can hold - produce can get pretty heavy, so…

The Must-Have Hair Product: Aquage Uplifting Foam

I have been on the hunt for this supposed liquid (well, foam) magic for awhile now - Aquage Uplifting Foam. I must give credit where credit is due - I first heard of this exclusive hair product from The Small Things Blog. Kate has a phenomenal blog full of informative videos showing how to style hair, not to mention her cute outfits she blogs about, too! Please, please be sure to spend some time on her blog - it has been so helpful for me; I'm sure you will all love it, too!

Anyway, I had to look up online where to find it locally because it is not sold in all salons. I went to Aquage's website to look up where I could find it here.

I was so excited to try it! I started by towel drying my just washed hair, and making little parts all over my head and spraying the Aquage in it. Then I rubbed it in a little, and then blow dried my hair. For a detailed video, check out Kate's video here. This video is how I learned to do it! :)

After my hair was dry, I could already tell ther…

The MamaRoo Review

Ever wondered if the MamaRoo baby swing is worth the money?

Here is my review, and hopefully after reading this, you will be able to decide if it's a good purchase for your family!
As a first-time mom, I had a lot on my shopping list for our baby girl. My goal was to search for good deals on quality products. We had planned on me being a stay-at-home mom, so we tried to be frugal to keep that goal a reality. At the same time, however, we had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years, and we had been dreaming of our little Ava Mckenzie for more like 5 or 6 years. So when we found out I was finally pregnant, we couldn't wait to spoil her!
I had seen the MamaRoo before and I thought it was a brilliant concept for a swing. Different motions and speed options made so much sense to me. My impulsive brain said, "I want it!", while my practical brain said, "It costs too much!".
I had been doing a really good job at not buying the most over-the-top things for my baby,…