Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The Second Pregnancy

Its funny how differently I feel with this second pregnancy.

Not necessarily physically, but emotionally.

With Ava, I truly felt happy and thrilled and ecstatic pretty much every single day of pregnancy, even despite the first trimester sickness and third trimester hugeness.

It was my first time experiencing pregnancy after trying for 4 long years. I was enjoying every moment of it. I wasn't taking any day for granted and I honestly felt like I was glowing every day.

I also had nothing better to do than to sit and daydream, plan and organize for little girl's arrival.

This time around, the pregnancy itself was a complete surprise. I mean, we weren't preventing pregnancy so obviously we knew it could happen, but seeing how we didn't get Ava without medical intervention made us have our guards down a little.

I still feel the timing for a second pregnancy couldn't have been better. I have absolutely zero regrets or hesitations about being pregnant again.

But this time, I feel like it's almost more of a personal struggle for me to stay as mentally excited as I was the first time around. And maybe that's an unfair standard to hold myself to because let's face it, after years of fertility struggle, what mommy-to-be wouldn't experience elation during pregnancy?! I was just starting a journey to "get my body back" when I discovered I was pregnant again. I had done my job - I grew a baby for 9+ months and nursed her exclusively until her first birthday. Those were my goals. I had put Ava first over my own body and lifestyle choices for nearly 2 years. I was ready to return the focus to myself to get fit and get rid of the final 10 pounds gained from pregnancy.

And then my sweet little Liam went and took that from me! :)

My genuine reaction to the positive pregnancy test makes it clear that I wanted him and that I needed him.

But I was also really, really looking forward to getting back to me!

And now that I'm halfway done with carrying baby Liam, I find myself thinking about my personal goals more and more.

I'm already itching to workout. To run. To go to the gym. To follow a diet and not worry about nourishing a tiny little body in addition my own.

I'm really trying to be motivated to exercise during this pregnancy, but it is really hard! Chasing Ava all day is about all I can handle! We do go for walks, but I can feel I want more than that. 9 months isn't a very long time in the big picture, so I'm trying to remind myself that there is so much time ahead of me to be able to focus on me. I also want to be able to focus on this beautiful time of growing a life and nurturing it! It is such a blessing. Maybe I can look back on this post and be reminded of how much I want to get back to me and that can be my motivation!

I think what also doesn't help is that I'm already comparing this pregnancy to my last - the symptoms I feel, the way I eat, the amount I exercise, and how much I weigh. I feel like I am bigger this time. I didn't really think much about weight gain with Ava because frankly I didn't care. I was with child and that was all that mattered to me. This time I think about it more.

I feel like I still have great mental health; I'm not worried that I'm depressed or sad or hating pregnancy. I'm pretty good at self-coaching and rationalizing with myself. I only have 4 more months of weight gain and then it will be weight loss! But I just know no matter how motivated I am to get my body back, it will be so, so hard with 2 under 2, and focusing on my supply for Liam. Where in the world will I find the energy to exercise with 2 under 2?!

I just don't need to worry about that now! That can come later after recovery is over and we have settled in as a family of 4.

I guess I felt the need to write about this because pregnancy and motherhood is hard. And a lot of these types of mental health things are somewhat taboo. I just want women to know that 1) You are not alone if you feel this way, and 2) Even the happiest woman, on the outside, has demons she deals with on the inside, too. It is a very selfless thing to carry a baby and also to breastfeed. By the time Liam turns one, I will have devoted 4 years of my body to growing and nurturing babies! That's a long time! But at the same time...it's not. This is the season in my life dedicated to having babies. So on the timeline of my life, 4 years is just a little blurb!

I can't say at this point if there will be a baby #3. A boy and a girl seems pretty perfect to us! All I know is that I love these tiny humans and I'll do my best to be the best momma I can to them.

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