Friday, May 16, 2014

Infertility is an Emotion

This post sprung up from my last weekly update.

I realized my post had taken a turn and really needed to be it's own post.

It's not as happy-go-lucky as my weekly posts are.

It's about infertility.

(Ava will be here in 6 short weeks. And these are some thoughts I've been having lately.)

All these "just you wait" statements are about to end.

Yes, we've done our fair share of waiting, thank you very much.

Babies cry a lot. We will want more sleep. They make a mess. Blah, blah, blah.

Yes, parenthood is not always rainbows and butterflies...I already knew that. I don't need a lecture.

We are just ready for our lives to feel more complete.

To feel like we have more of a purpose.

To have more joy.

To grow our family.

Don't squash that with your attempts at horror stories. People who have tried to conceive for a long time have a different perspective and don't want to hear your crap.

There. There's my dose of "pregnancy hormones". 

Except it's all the truth and not erupting from some emotional moment.

I think a lot about our journey to pregnancy, and how much this pregnancy means to me. And how many countless others go through much more than I have to achieve pregnancy. And sadly, some never get there. Women (and men) literally spend years dreaming of a child of their own, loving a child that doesn't exist yet. It can be so complicated. Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells around these people who struggle with fertility, but have some sensitivity. We think about things very differently. 

No "oops" babies for us. No "now what do we do" moments.

For us, everything is always mapped out. We dream for months and years what having a child will be like.

We are envious of all other women who get pregnant. Happy, but also resentful and probably deep down, angry. I know it got ridiculous for me for awhile. I'd see announcements on Facebook, and I would literally go from a joyous smile of excitement for that person, to suddenly a cold anger that often sent me crying my way to bed. All in a matter of seconds. And it was never anything against that person, it was always an anger at my situation.

You can't scare us with your stories of how your baby has "inconvenienced" your life.

We want that inconvenience.

Go ahead, tell us that you never go out anymore.

We'd gladly sacrifice our social lives if it meant we could have a child.

Maybe we do have some hopes for our day to day lives that you, as a parent, know are not realistic after having a baby.

I'm sorry, did you know what to expect before you became a parent?

And everyone parents differently, so maybe I will have a different experience than you.

I hate that line "you're not a mother, so you wouldn't know".

That kind of lights my fire.

I get the point, I haven't walked in your shoes, so you're right. I don't know.

Now try walking in my shoes.

See how much you like it.

Yes, this post seems bitter and angry.

Because I was for so long.

This pregnancy has brought me so much joy, that it has almost melted away all of those feelings from infertility.


And I don't want to forget the journey we took to get here. It's too important. Too many people live it.

Infertility isn't cured by getting pregnant. There is also secondary infertility, in which couples struggle to get pregnant with a second (or third, or fourth, etc) child. 

It's still painful.

It's a pain unlike any other. Jealousy, anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, exhaustion, fear...all rolled into one emotion. Infertility is an emotion.

Definitely don't say "Just relax. It will happen." 
Ok, now why didn't I think of that?!

And don't even bother saying "Well, at least all the trying you get to do is fun!"
After cycles and cycles of failed attempt, it's not. It's not the "honeymoon" you'd like to imagine.

Just listen. Be a friend.

But don't go all sad and sappy on us, either, If we can have a backbone, we expect you to have one, too! 

I still hurt for friends who can't get pregnant. With whichever pregnancy they are on. And there's no real way to comfort that person. Just pray.

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